In a previous article, we explored what mindfulness is and how it can help after a perinatal loss. In this second post, we’ll focus on how this practice can be incorporated into daily life in a sustainable way, especially during times when energy is low and the pain is still very much present.
Small, Everyday Moments of Practice
At the beginning of their practice—especially during the first few months—it is easier for participants in mindfulness courses to incorporate practice into various moments of their daily lives rather than to engage in prolonged formal practices.
The little things—which aren’t so little after all
For Ester, for example, it’s easier to be present and pay attention to her breath or her five senses during simple activities, such as eating, walking, or watching the crowd on the subway: in those moments, she manages to stay focused without getting carried away by persistent thoughts. Maria, too, has noticed how an everyday action—such as opening or closing a door or window without slamming it or rushing—can be an opportunity for mindfulness, rather than just another automatic task on a list of things to get done.
Paying attention to a routine action—even the smallest one—such as eating one bite at a time while trying to savor the flavors, or closing a door gently rather than slamming it — trains us to break out of autopilot and helps us return to the here and now, fully present, even if only for a few moments. Regular, brief, and sustainable practice fosters more lasting changes than intensive or isolated attempts: a few minutes every day are better than an hour a month.
The Body as a Point of Reference
The body plays a central role in mindfulness. Paying attention to physical sensations, your breath, and muscle tension allows you to pick up on signs of stress before they exceed your tolerance threshold and overwhelm you.
Paola explained how it’s easier for her to stay mindful and pay attention through movement: swimming, walking, tending to plants, but also peeling fruit—paying attention to the motion—allows her to “recenter” herself and focus on the little things and on what she’s doing in that moment, without falling prey to automatic thoughts or overwhelming emotions.
The body serves as a concrete anchor to the present, especially in moments when the mind tends to race forward or backward in time. Even after a perinatal loss—a deeply felt experience, after which it’s easy to lose trust in one’s own body, neglect it, or mistreat it—the body remains the place from which to start over, because we are our bodies. We can learn to treat it with greater kindness and realize how much this changes the quality of our daily lives over time. This applies to everyone after a perinatal loss, but it applies especially to those who are trying to conceive again or are already expecting.*
Distraction and Judgment in Practice
Many people say they aren’t “cut out” for mindfulness because they get distracted easily.
In reality, it’s not at all necessary to have a “knack” for mindfulness, because mindfulness isn’t a talent but an innate skill: its seeds are already within us, waiting to be nurtured.
Furthermore, distraction is part of the experience. Noticing that your mind has wandered and gently bringing your attention back is, in itself, a practice.
Alessandra shared her frustration with the constant distractions during formal meditation:
“I get distracted, and right away I tell myself I’m not good enough: then I get even more distracted, and that’s when I start to get nervous!”
The disappointment, anger, and annoyance that distraction causes us are both a blessing and a curse for all of us who want to do everything right away and lack the patience to slow down and learn from experience. We can’t do everything right away when we’re learning mindfulness, because we need to give our stress management system time to reorganize itself properly.
Furthermore, instead of interpreting distraction as confirmation of our failure, we can see it for what it is: a signal from our brain about what needs our attention at that moment. It could be a thought, a memory, a noise, an emotion, or a physical sensation, such as a slight ache on the sole of the foot. Noticing the distraction for a few moments, without judging yourself, is part of the practice; just as it is, after recognizing the noise and realizing it’s the usual hum of the refrigerator, to return to the practice with resolute kindness.
In this constant back-and-forth between presence and distraction lies one of the central aspects of mindfulness: remaining aware of oneself in the midst of what is happening.
Mindfulness is a living practice that awakens the senses and fosters mental flexibility. Over time, this ability to observe and return to the present moment becomes available even in the challenging situations of daily life.
Mindfulness and Stressful Relationships
Stress following a perinatal loss also affects relationships. Elisabetta described the struggle of dealing with her family members and their difficulty talking about their baby girl and her time in the intensive care unit: Sunday lunch had become a time for her filled with expectations and disappointments. “I hold myself back from snapping at them, because I really want to snap at them, but then I end up not enjoying anything: I can’t even taste the food, and my mind wanders to when I’ll finally be able to go home.”
Mindfulness helps us recognize when we’re emotionally triggered and pause for a moment to calm down and breathe. In that space, we can assess the emotional and physical “cost” of getting into a conflict, and the cost of holding back as we feel anger rising. Mindfulness helps us take stock of our inner state and choose, with greater awareness, how to handle stressful situations—situations in which, as in this case, concern for our family members is mixed with misunderstandings, creating a very tense atmosphere.
One step at a time
Practicing mindfulness after a perinatal loss is not just another task to complete in order to “get over the grief”: because it is not a task imposed from above, but a skill we already possess within ourselves, and because grief is not something we “get over,” but something we navigate step by step, taking the time we need.
Practice allows us to learn to recognize small openings—amid the struggleof working through grief —that are compatible with the moment we are going through. Practice does not require us to push ourselves beyond our limits or engage in actions that go against our nature, nor does it offer immediate results: finding our own gentle continuity, adapting our goals to the pace we can sustain, and listening authentically to ourselves—without judgment, prejudice, or self-sabotage—is the path to practicing consistently and effectively.
Over time, even the smallest moment of awareness can help reduce the impact of stress, make intense emotions more manageable, and restore a greater sense of presence and stability. We practice mindfulness to live better after everything we’ve been through: we don’t practice to erase the pain—because pain is part of our story—but to navigate it with greater resilience, one day at a time.
*I’ve written a book on the importance of mindfulness starting from conception, for both moms and dads; it’s called “Mindfulness: Stress-Free Parenting“
